lonely christmas

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silvermoon · #1 Post by **silvermoon** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 6:31 am

hi everyone. christmas is coming as i'm sure you're all aware, but for some reason for the second year running i'm feeling low. there's something about this time of year that means i never get what i hope for. last christmas i tried to rely too much on my charlotte and she let me down badly. and this year, subconciously to compensate for her mistakes, we planned to spend the whole time together, just the two of us. that was the plan anyway. recently she found a job at a restaurant, and she started working twice a week. no problem there. but then all the workers there started quitting, and now she has to take the burden of being their primary worker, with no sign of anyone coming along to help. this week, she worked 5 days straight, going home late every night (as late as 4am, ridiculous even for a student on a night out), and then sleeps the next day. we've been slowly but very surely rebuilding our relationship this past year, so well in fact that we were perfect until two weeks ago. now she doesnt even give me the time of day. add to that that christmas is coming and she may end up working even more, and our initial plan to spend time together seems impossible. to top all that, her boss at the restaurant is sleazy, he touches her in the wrong way, he asks intimate stuff of her, and even asks to eat out of her bowl at dinner (disgraceful for most, worse if you're married with kids). and then he drives her home late at night, just the two of them. i already know what shes capable of, and when i hear her talk over the phone to him, i wonder what is going on. can someone who spent months knitting me a beautiful sweater, cooking delicious dinners for me every night, giving up her friends to be with me, and generally being so thoughtful and caring, in a way that noone can rightly expect, but she is so willing to be, really be so different behind my back? is it wrong to see the good side in people and forget the past? i don't know, but forgiveness is about second chances, and i feel its a wasted, naively optimistic one. either way, i'm looking at another christmas being let down. i cant believe it, but the dark spirit of christmas is back. all apologies, but i just needed to have a moan.

52FM · #2 Post by **52FM** » Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:47 am

Well, in the United States that boss woudl be in court in a heartbeat and there woudl be a line of lawyers a mile long willing to take the casqe for free. You coudl then own the restaurant and all your problems would be solved!

Try to cheer up - and talk it through with her. Be blunt - you've known her long enough - but not accusatory.

I65 · #3 Post by **I65** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 4:41 pm

Christmas always depresses me.

#4 Post by **Bob_san** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 1:51 am

Hmmm. Well as I am sure some of you are aware, Hanukkah is just around the corner too! The festival of lights! Oh and yea there's also Kwanza.

Aside from Santa and crass commercialism I think Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus. I think I need to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special again to find out.

Then Hanukkah is about the rebirth of the temple and the lamp that lights it. Of course there's more to it than that but I wont get into all that now.

So it seems to me that these holidays are about new beginnings and maybe if people thought of them that way and celebrated them that way then maybe they wouldn't be as depressing!

Silvermoon I am sorry to hear about the issues with your Charlotte.
This points up the reality of reality that often things don't work out the way we planned or the way we would like. But sometimes they do and then when that happens you can say, I love it when a plan comes together!

Or you could also drown your sorrows in a nice glass of nog while watching Its A Wonderful Life. Funny that movie is about new beginnings too....

52FM · #5 Post by **52FM** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:30 am

Th only thing that I feel bad about around Christmas is realizing how many people get depressed. Though this time of year means a great deal to me and always has, I can very well relate to the feeling. To me, it seems like there are ways we are "supposed" to feel, and when we don't - for whatever reason that may be - the idea of being "out of sync" with so many other people can get to me. When I was young and very overweight and non-athletic, I always got depressed during the summer. Everyone else was out doing things that either I couldn't do or didn't enjoy. I was always happy when school started again so there wouldn't be so much free time that I spent alone in the house.

I think people wind up feeling like they are missing somethign during Christmas. What "saves" the season for me I guess is having kids - even though they are 25, 21, and almost 20 now. Still, I always feel like I'm missing something - with so much emphasis on parties, activities, gift giving etc.

Bob's suggestion on watching Charlie Brown is a good one. It's my favorite Christmas CD.

silvermoon · #6 Post by **silvermoon** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 3:46 pm

thats so true. it doesnt help that all the xmas parties and celebrations are going on around me now, and all i can think about is charlotte being alone every night with another man. shes working late again 2nite, and i tried talking to her about it, but she just tells me not to worry, that i can trust her and that it isnt her choice when she works and who drives her home. it frustrates me so much that she wilfully chooses to ignore everything she has done b4 and pretend she is this innocent angel. she has spent the last 6 months making it up to me flawlessly, but now there is this and she treats it like it was in the beginning. people tell me i'm being possessive, that i get worried if she so much as meets a friend or goes to work, and i guess thats true, but is there such thing as being too possessive of a cheat? i certainly dont think so. i am just hanging onto the fact she tells me shes quitting in february, and then this little problem will be gone hopefully. but tbh, its been months now but i still worry every time she talks to a man, or when she gives someone, even her boss, her phone number. she can be so nice, but so long as i remember what has happened, i dont feel i can heal fully. i would love to have a good xmas, but it seems so long as im attached, i will have to face the prospect of infidelity every year. so far, the only solution i have found that even remotely helps is at the bottom of a bottle, and im chinese and we're not built for that sort of thing. dodgy enzymes, see...

52FM · #7 Post by **52FM** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:58 pm

Relationships are an excellent way to learn about yourself. Maybe you are possessive and maybe you're not. But when you say "can you be too possessive of a cheat" you reveal something important. You haven't forgiven her. You're holding it over her. You are expecting a certain behavior of her as a consequence of her prior actions. That is not forgiveness.

I'm not saying you need to forgive her. I'm just saying that if you can't - you need to move on and forget her.

Fast forward to a marital relationship - if you still haven't forgiven her and can't trust her, you will not have a happy life together.