I haven't checked this thread in awhile.
Sending you a hug, congratulations on the new job, and best wishes that you and your wife can work through this. I know in your heart you want that brass ring.
It's all part of the ride.
Bah.. Life sucks
Moderator: Bob
Thanks Ith.
And as Ith said, I can't just get out because it's been that long (31 years, actually 36 considering the time we seriously dated and were engaged.) Three children that love both of us - but are hurt seeing us go through this.
Some good as come fromt his - my wife sees problems she has that she never realized; I see problems I have I never realized; our kids are hurt, but I suspect have a respect for us in not sweeping it under the rug as other couples do. They are showing far more respect and love for my wife than ever before - I think becuase they see her caring enough to try to change.
But there is this huge cloud over us; online activity; online friendships. No one that has heard anything about this issue can come close to understanding why it's so important to me - to risk my marriage.
The answer is easy - to give it up for the sake of my marriage is saying that my wife holds control - as she did for so many years. In other words - anything she thinks is unnacceptable behavior must stop; no compromise; no attempt at understanding;.
Here's a confession: I really don't want to spend time online anymore. I rarely do anymore. My LiT issues drove me here; it's over; I'd never even be here at all if/when my marriage is settled. And I doubt I'd ever come back again for answers assuming my wife and I have a real understanding of each other.
In other words, if she really wants me to not spend (or "waste" time as she woudl say) online, all she'd in effect have to do is "let" me do it and understand. Life woudl take care of itself in that I'd not have time for it anyway nor woudl there be any real benefit to me.
There is another issue that is not negotiable in her mind as well related to this - and it's too personal to get into (but not at all immoral - so don't think I'm referring to some internet porn activity or anything like that.)
I fully suspect it will take many months before we talk that through. I have to deal with the serious issue I aluded ot first - that I still can't feel I can be my true self and express my true feelings with my wife. I fear confrontation or negative judgement too much.
But in the end the principle of the matter will be the make or break point; does she have the right to require I give up a friendship that she disapprives of - without her facing up to why she objects to it? Does she have the right to conclude and declare that online discussions that I have are ultimately unhealty for me - damaging to me? We've not gotten there with the counselor yet and as I said that is goign to take many months. I respect his opinion, but I'm trying to follow a process while my wife wants to cut to the chase and declare that I have issues that need serious treatment - including medication.
Yes, JM - if it was far less than 31 years I woudl simply say enough is enough and leave. I said that to her many timees - but of course that "threat" sounds like I'm doing to her (dictating how she shoudl be) what she is doing to me.
It may be an impasse - but we continue to try. There was a strange icebreaker last night - a Yanni concert on PBS; as I was grading papers she came up to tell me it was on and said she knew I'd want to watch it. (And some of you may say that if a woman will sit through Yanni for me, she must really love me.)
And as Ith said, I can't just get out because it's been that long (31 years, actually 36 considering the time we seriously dated and were engaged.) Three children that love both of us - but are hurt seeing us go through this.
Some good as come fromt his - my wife sees problems she has that she never realized; I see problems I have I never realized; our kids are hurt, but I suspect have a respect for us in not sweeping it under the rug as other couples do. They are showing far more respect and love for my wife than ever before - I think becuase they see her caring enough to try to change.
But there is this huge cloud over us; online activity; online friendships. No one that has heard anything about this issue can come close to understanding why it's so important to me - to risk my marriage.
The answer is easy - to give it up for the sake of my marriage is saying that my wife holds control - as she did for so many years. In other words - anything she thinks is unnacceptable behavior must stop; no compromise; no attempt at understanding;.
Here's a confession: I really don't want to spend time online anymore. I rarely do anymore. My LiT issues drove me here; it's over; I'd never even be here at all if/when my marriage is settled. And I doubt I'd ever come back again for answers assuming my wife and I have a real understanding of each other.
In other words, if she really wants me to not spend (or "waste" time as she woudl say) online, all she'd in effect have to do is "let" me do it and understand. Life woudl take care of itself in that I'd not have time for it anyway nor woudl there be any real benefit to me.
There is another issue that is not negotiable in her mind as well related to this - and it's too personal to get into (but not at all immoral - so don't think I'm referring to some internet porn activity or anything like that.)
I fully suspect it will take many months before we talk that through. I have to deal with the serious issue I aluded ot first - that I still can't feel I can be my true self and express my true feelings with my wife. I fear confrontation or negative judgement too much.
But in the end the principle of the matter will be the make or break point; does she have the right to require I give up a friendship that she disapprives of - without her facing up to why she objects to it? Does she have the right to conclude and declare that online discussions that I have are ultimately unhealty for me - damaging to me? We've not gotten there with the counselor yet and as I said that is goign to take many months. I respect his opinion, but I'm trying to follow a process while my wife wants to cut to the chase and declare that I have issues that need serious treatment - including medication.
Yes, JM - if it was far less than 31 years I woudl simply say enough is enough and leave. I said that to her many timees - but of course that "threat" sounds like I'm doing to her (dictating how she shoudl be) what she is doing to me.
It may be an impasse - but we continue to try. There was a strange icebreaker last night - a Yanni concert on PBS; as I was grading papers she came up to tell me it was on and said she knew I'd want to watch it. (And some of you may say that if a woman will sit through Yanni for me, she must really love me.)
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."
That's for sure, I wouldn't sit through a 3 minute Yanni youtube video for you, let alone a whole concert52FM wrote:
It may be an impasse - but we continue to try. There was a strange icebreaker last night - a Yanni concert on PBS; as I was grading papers she came up to tell me it was on and said she knew I'd want to watch it. (And some of you may say that if a woman will sit through Yanni for me, she must really love me.)
Here's The Temptations doing My Girl for you though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hERuXqGxpK4
"My Girl / Get Ready / Can't Get Next To You"
That was a medley of Temptations songs my HS Rock & Soul band did best. Wonderful memories over 36 years ago - we played at our Senior Farewell Dance;
The kids had a "Soul Train" the length of the gym when we did Sly's "Want to Take You Higher". I still love that music. And Yanni also. Go figure.
I actually "jammed" with a band last week for the first time in decades. Just a lot of fun 3 chord rock, but I had a great time. Planning on doing it again soon.
That was a medley of Temptations songs my HS Rock & Soul band did best. Wonderful memories over 36 years ago - we played at our Senior Farewell Dance;
The kids had a "Soul Train" the length of the gym when we did Sly's "Want to Take You Higher". I still love that music. And Yanni also. Go figure.
I actually "jammed" with a band last week for the first time in decades. Just a lot of fun 3 chord rock, but I had a great time. Planning on doing it again soon.
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."
Thanks Ith, I really appreciate that.
Yes, despite my venting above, there really has been a lot of solid progress in many areas. This has been a very abrupt and serious wake-up for my wife and she is adjusting. I am too - with the major question focusing on how/why I ever sat back and let it happen?
It may be too much to ask her to give up all the concerns and opinions she has that seem irrational to me - at least this quickly. I have to resist my own urge now to fast forward to the conclusion and let the process continue.
Yes, despite my venting above, there really has been a lot of solid progress in many areas. This has been a very abrupt and serious wake-up for my wife and she is adjusting. I am too - with the major question focusing on how/why I ever sat back and let it happen?
It may be too much to ask her to give up all the concerns and opinions she has that seem irrational to me - at least this quickly. I have to resist my own urge now to fast forward to the conclusion and let the process continue.
"Willoughby. Next stop is Willoughby."
Yes.52FM wrote:Thanks Ith, I really appreciate that.
Yes, despite my venting above, there really has been a lot of solid progress in many areas. This has been a very abrupt and serious wake-up for my wife and she is adjusting. I am too - with the major question focusing on how/why I ever sat back and let it happen?
It may be too much to ask her to give up all the concerns and opinions she has that seem irrational to me - at least this quickly. I have to resist my own urge now to fast forward to the conclusion and let the process continue.
And if I didn't say it, congratulations on the job offer. I've kind of been walking around with my head in the clouds over my own good fortune this past week, so I may have skipped over that.
