thanks for the vote of confidence. last night was another big night
. i hadn't seen her for 40 hrs over the weekend, but she never left my mind. so i was very excited to meet her, but when i did, something about her mood gave me nothing to smile about. it was painfully obvious there was something on her mind, but i didnt want to push her so let the day unwind. cut to the evening.
her mood was getting worse and worse, which i initially attributed to the fact she had slept less than 10 hrs in the past 2 days. but she became more and more antagonistic, and eventually she decided to tell me a secret she had been holding back from me for weeks. she first told me that she felt compelled to say it because over the weekend she had realised she had fallen deeply in love with someone, to the extent she had changed, no longer able to repress thoughts and feelings, no longer able to sleep without his presence. and then she told me i had once declared this to be the worst thing i could hear, and that she was sure i would ask to end the relationship after i knew. there was always one thing i maintained was beyond my capacity for forgiveness: an affair. i swallowed hard, and she began to tell me.
it regarded her friend, the jealous one, she said. and i thought it all began to make sense. but she continued, and i sat in stony silence. she said she had been romantically involved with him for a single night (not in the major sense), just days before we met. that ended for a while when he pushed her away by trying to make her choose between me and him, way back in our first weeks. but her friends had contrived a way for them to meet again, and they talked, and decided to remain friends. all throughout the time we had been together, they had met many times, and he had declared himself to be jealous of me, not because he missed her, as she had said, but because he wanted her. but they had never acted further on that single night because she had met someone who she felt was special, that she had a feeling about him. so they remained friends, but their relationship deteriorated, and while they still saw each other, he became more and more disrespectful of her, and she no longer saw him as a true friend, but simply someone she felt responsible for (for complicated reasons).
she paused, and i sat in silence. i swallowed hard again, and sat waiting. and waiting. she did not speak, but stared at the floor, fidgeting. and then i realised that that was the whole story. i asked her what it was that had bothered her so much about it, why she had waited so long to tell me. she said that she defined it as an affair, despite no physical romantic gestures since we had been together. i sat and pondered this for a short while, then laughed. she looked bemused, but the relief was too great. i could not deny that it was a bit of an anti-climax. i told her that her past, even her recent past, was not something that she could change, that she did not know she was to meet me in the future, that it did not matter. i had always been uncomfortable with her meeting her friend, but i always suspected this was the situation with them. she had told me in our first weeks, even though she had forgotten this. at the same time, i learnt to trust her, that i knew that i treated her in a way i didnt feel she was ready to throw away for someone so disrespectful. i trusted in her and in myself. at first she was slightly offended that i did not react badly, that all her time stressing about it had been wasted. but she soon loosened up and smiled for the first time of the day.
she told me that she was still not ready to give anyone her heart, but was happy to know that i was willing to do so (because of my naivety). she told me to wait, that it would happen if i turned out to be the person i promised. and i told her that i would be the person she would learn to trust above all others. she laughed at my arrogance...but didnt deny it.
finally, she brought up the topic of sex. but i refused, and told her to sleep. 10hrs and she couldn't keep her eyes open. not ideal
). so far i'm thinking something to do with lilies (her favourite flower), a journal as Ith suggested way back when, and possibly the supposed tradition among her friends of postcards from friends and wellwishers. but i want to try and be original and wildly romantic, preferably not recycling cliches. so, any help would be most welcome!
